The Martian starring Seth Rogen

Welcome back to another edition of What If? A Series of Absurd Casting, a blog where I make the most absurd alternate casting choices for fairly popular films. Why settle for the original when you can ask “what if?” and add your spin on a film?

In this week’s edition, we will be recasting Ridley Scott’s The Martian (2015) and all I have to say is that it’s going to be out of this world! Get it? Yes I know that was a bad pun but bear with me people. Anyway, I’m thrilled for this alternate casting because this is yet another personal favorite film of mine. Plus as much as I respect Ridley Scott’s work, I know I am more than capable of turning this film into the actual comedy it claimed to be. (Someone had to say it) 
 

For those of you unfamiliar with the Academy Award nominated Sci Fi film, The Martian follows astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is accidentally left behind and presumed dead on Mars. Throughout the film we watch Watney’s struggle to survive as well as alert his colleagues that he is indeed alive. Luckily a few skilled NASA employees are able to pin point Watney’s area of refuge and conceive a very intricate rescue mission. Unfortunately this plan calls his crew to spend at least another eighteen months in space away from their families. In the mean time Watney uses his Botany skills to start a potato farm using human waste, Mars soil, and water.

Considering the film was only release about two years ago, I won’t spoil the ending. Take this kind gesture of mine and go watch it! Please! And then come back to us once you’ve finished it so you can enjoy this hell of an absurd alternate casting. 

The Martian was a huge success earning well over 630 million dollars at the box office and scoring numerous Golden Globe and Academy Award nominations. I know I admitted that this is one of my favorite films but there is just one little issue I had with it. THE MARTIAN WAS NOT A COMEDY IN MY OPINION. It had a its fair share of clever and witty moments but not enough to be categorized as a comedy. I’ve decided to handle the situation myself.

Seth Rogen

Let’s begin by recasting this film with an absurd and clever lead actor that also gives off a realistic NASA astronaut vibe. What if Seth Rogen starred as Mark Watney in The Martian? Now that’s what I call a damn Sci Fi comedy right people? Seth Rogen is the most outrageous and perfect actor to play Watney because of his past experience playing very sane and sharp lead roles. Plus he definitely is a person I’d imagine would quite resourceful if he were stuck on Mars. Considering how many important characters make up the film, I may just throw a few other new re-casted members. So without further ado, please enjoy a little taste of my version of The Martian starring Seth Rogen!

The year is 2035; astronaut Mark Watney (Seth Rogen) and the crew of the Ares III mission to Mars are exploring a volcanic site on the 18 Martian solar day of their expected 31-sol trip. Suddenly a powerful dust storms plows throughout forcing Watney and his crew to abort their mission and leave the site immediately. Just as Watney is fighting his way to their orbiting vessel, Hermaphrodite, he is hit by a strong gust of wind which knocks him into the air and slams him into the ground about 200 feet away from the vessel. 

Tilda Swinton

Mission commander Melissa Lewis (Tilda Swinton) orders the rest of the crew to head into Hermaphrodite despite Watney’s fall. From their position and lack of information coming from his suit back to the vessel, they believe Mark Watney is dead. The rest of the crew boards and heads home to Earth leaving Watney’s body behind.

A few hours after the storm has passed, Watney jumps into the air screaming, “Where the hell did you bozos go? Ouch!”  Watney’s suit is torn in several places and has a huge gash across his left thigh. He says, “Wait what’s on my leg? Oh mother…” and faints. He wakes up seconds later, screams again and runs to the crew’s Hab (habitat base of operations) to cleans up his wound and repair his suit. He starts gagging every time he looks at his open wound so decides it would be best to nibble a tiny bit of the marijuana edible he snuck onto the vessel and sew himself up with his eyes closed. Being the resourceful and non-panicking astronaut he is, Watney starts a video diary hoping to transmit it back to Hermaphrodite. 

Video Diary Entry #1: “Hey A-Holes, it’s me Mark Watney. Well first things first I’m alive! Thanks a lot for dipping from Mars without me guys, real mature. Anyway, I’m pretty much stranded here for God knows how long, but I do not plan on dying here. I’m going to be making these videos everyday so you guys can hopefully rescue my injured self. Oh and by the way, I’m callings dibs on all the personal belongings you all left behind so um sorry? Peace! Love you guys bye please find me!”

Since Watney is a skilled botanist and is ridiculously hungry he builds a makeshift farm in the Hab. “Damn I’m going to starve. All I have is two brownie edibles and four potatoes. Wait...” Watney realizes that on top of growing enough potatoes to last him until any possible rescue mission, he can also try to grow some marijuana. I mean there is no reason he can’t have a little fun while he waits, right? He cackles (you know, the signature Rogen laugh?) and runs to Commander Lewis’ vinyl collection and turns on Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth to get into he mood. 

Video Diary Entry #2: “Holy cannoli, you guys I think I’m a genius. So I’m putting in 1000% trying to get in contact with you all don’t worry but I think I just become the first person to grow pot on Mars. Mark Watney, astronaut, botanist, weed farmer, and Martian. Just don’t tell Commander Lewis! But if she is watching this, damn Lewis your music taste is unexpected and gnarly. ”

Fast-forward to the rescue mission. Once Watney’s crew reaches Mars nearly two years after the initial incident, Watney completely breaks down into tears. “You guys don’t even understand. I really appreciate you coming here and all but can we just acknowledge that I just grew two years worth of pot on Mars?” Commander Lewis response, “Jesus Watney yeah that was impressive but NASA’s going to want to send you back up there if they ever find out so shut up.” A stoned Watney falls to his knees and hugs Lewis’ legs and says, “Aw I missed you too!” 

Thank you so much for being a part of the “What If?” community everyone! We appreciate all you imaginative storytellers and encourage asking yourself “what if?” the next time you come across something you want to recreate.