What If? A Series of Absurd Casting

Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Martian starring Seth Rogen

Welcome back to another edition of What If? A Series of Absurd Casting, a blog where I make the most absurd alternate casting choices for fairly popular films. Why settle for the original when you can ask “what if?” and add your spin on a film?

In this week’s edition, we will be recasting Ridley Scott’s The Martian (2015) and all I have to say is that it’s going to be out of this world! Get it? Yes I know that was a bad pun but bear with me people. Anyway, I’m thrilled for this alternate casting because this is yet another personal favorite film of mine. Plus as much as I respect Ridley Scott’s work, I know I am more than capable of turning this film into the actual comedy it claimed to be. (Someone had to say it)

For those of you unfamiliar with the Academy Award nominated Sci Fi film, The Martian follows astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) who is accidentally left behind and presumed dead on Mars. Throughout the film we watch Watney’s struggle to survive as well as alert his colleagues that he is indeed alive. Luckily a few skilled NASA employees are able to pin point Watney’s area of refuge and conceive a very intricate rescue mission. Unfortunately this plan calls his crew to spend at least another eighteen months in space away from their families. In the mean time Watney uses his Botany skills to start a potato farm using human waste, Mars soil, and water.

Considering the film was only release about two years ago, I won’t spoil the ending. Take this kind gesture of mine and go watch it! Please! And then come back to us once you’ve finished it so you can enjoy this hell of an absurd alternate casting.

The Martian was a huge success earning well over 630 million dollars at the box office and scoring numerous Golden Globe and Academy Award nominations. I know I admitted that this is one of my favorite films but there is just one little issue I had with it. THE MARTIAN WAS NOT A COMEDY IN MY OPINION. It had a its fair share of clever and witty moments but not enough to be categorized as a comedy. I’ve decided to handle the situation myself.

Seth Rogen

Let’s begin by recasting this film with an absurd and clever lead actor that also gives off a realistic NASA astronaut vibe. What if Seth Rogen starred as Mark Watney in The Martian? Now that’s what I call a damn Sci Fi comedy right people? Seth Rogen is the most outrageous and perfect actor to play Watney because of his past experience playing very sane and sharp lead roles. Plus he definitely is a person I’d imagine would quite resourceful if he were stuck on Mars. Considering how many important characters make up the film, I may just throw a few other new re-casted members. So without further ado, please enjoy a little taste of my version of The Martian starring Seth Rogen!

The year is 2035; astronaut Mark Watney (Seth Rogen) and the crew of the Ares III mission to Mars are exploring a volcanic site on the 18 Martian solar day of their expected 31-sol trip. Suddenly a powerful dust storms plows throughout forcing Watney and his crew to abort their mission and leave the site immediately. Just as Watney is fighting his way to their orbiting vessel, Hermaphrodite, he is hit by a strong gust of wind which knocks him into the air and slams him into the ground about 200 feet away from the vessel.

Tilda Swinton

Mission commander Melissa Lewis (Tilda Swinton) orders the rest of the crew to head into Hermaphrodite despite Watney’s fall. From their position and lack of information coming from his suit back to the vessel, they believe Mark Watney is dead. The rest of the crew boards and heads home to Earth leaving Watney’s body behind.

A few hours after the storm has passed, Watney jumps into the air screaming, “Where the hell did you bozos go? Ouch!” Watney’s suit is torn in several places and has a huge gash across his left thigh. He says, “Wait what’s on my leg? Oh mother…” and faints. He wakes up seconds later, screams again and runs to the crew’s Hab (habitat base of operations) to cleans up his wound and repair his suit. He starts gagging every time he looks at his open wound so decides it would be best to nibble a tiny bit of the marijuana edible he snuck onto the vessel and sew himself up with his eyes closed. Being the resourceful and non-panicking astronaut he is, Watney starts a video diary hoping to transmit it back to Hermaphrodite.

Video Diary Entry #1: “Hey A-Holes, it’s me Mark Watney. Well first things first I’m alive! Thanks a lot for dipping from Mars without me guys, real mature. Anyway, I’m pretty much stranded here for God knows how long, but I do not plan on dying here. I’m going to be making these videos everyday so you guys can hopefully rescue my injured self. Oh and by the way, I’m callings dibs on all the personal belongings you all left behind so um sorry? Peace! Love you guys bye please find me!”

Since Watney is a skilled botanist and is ridiculously hungry he builds a makeshift farm in the Hab. “Damn I’m going to starve. All I have is two brownie edibles and four potatoes. Wait...” Watney realizes that on top of growing enough potatoes to last him until any possible rescue mission, he can also try to grow some marijuana. I mean there is no reason he can’t have a little fun while he waits, right? He cackles (you know, the signature Rogen laugh?) and runs to Commander Lewis’ vinyl collection and turns on Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth to get into he mood.

Video Diary Entry #2: “Holy cannoli, you guys I think I’m a genius. So I’m putting in 1000% trying to get in contact with you all don’t worry but I think I just become the first person to grow pot on Mars. Mark Watney, astronaut, botanist, weed farmer, and Martian. Just don’t tell Commander Lewis! But if she is watching this, damn Lewis your music taste is unexpected and gnarly. ”

Fast-forward to the rescue mission. Once Watney’s crew reaches Mars nearly two years after the initial incident, Watney completely breaks down into tears. “You guys don’t even understand. I really appreciate you coming here and all but can we just acknowledge that I just grew two years worth of pot on Mars?” Commander Lewis response, “Jesus Watney yeah that was impressive but NASA’s going to want to send you back up there if they ever find out so shut up.” A stoned Watney falls to his knees and hugs Lewis’ legs and says, “Aw I missed you too!”

Thank you so much for being a part of the “What If?” community everyone! We appreciate all you imaginative storytellers and encourage asking yourself “what if?” the next time you come across something you want to recreate.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

The Wizard of Oz starring Gillian Jacobs

This edition of “What If?” is going to be a little different than our usual formats. The film of the week is the classic musical comedy-drama-fantasy The Wizard of Oz (1939) directed by Victor Fleming. Now for those of you that are not as familiar with this American classic, it stars the young Judy Garland and follows her journey through the land of Oz. Rather than recast the entire cast, I thought it might be fun to see how my alternate actress of choice would handle the circumstances that Dorothy faces along the way, maintaining the original characters. But as usual, I will make sure Dorothy creates a significant difference in the way things go down in Oz!

In The Wizard of Oz, a young girl from Kansas named Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) lives on a farm with her dog Toto, Aunt Em, and Uncle Henry. By the way, the scenes in Kansas are all shot in sepia tone. One day after rushing home to check on her Aunt Em a tornado strikes and Dorothy is unable to get into the storm cellar and must remain in the house. Something hits Dorothy in the head once she’s indoors and knocks her out. The house spins its way up and around the tornado and crashes in Munchkinland in the incredible Land of Oz which is in technicolor.

Dorothy is welcomed into Munchkinland by Glinda the Good Witch of the North and the Munchkins. They also applaud her since the house landed on top of and killed the Wicked Witch of the East, although leaving her sister the Wicked Witch of the West furious and swearing revenge on Dorothy. Despite all of the excitement of Oz Dorothy must follow the yellow brick road to Emerald city in order to make it back home to Kansas.

Along the way the Scarecrow, who wants a brain, the Tin man, who wants a heart, and the Cowardly Lion, who desperately wants to be courageous, joins Dorothy down the yellow brick road. The trio successfully get Dorothy to Emerald City with a few obstacles on the way A.K.A. dealing with the Wicked Witch of the West. But once they arrive to the Emerald City, the great Wizard of Oz says he can only help grant their wishes if they can retrieve the Wicked Witch’s broomstick. Will they be able to get the broomstick? Will Dorothy ever make it home? Will her friends ever get a brain, a heart, or courage?

This American classic always leaves audiences feeling all warm and gooey inside because of how sweet Dorothy is and the friendships she makes are truly one of a kind. But lets be real here, how on Earth is a sixteen year old girl that calm, cool, and collected after literally surviving a tornado and landing in some magical land. I still have no idea how I would have handled that load but Dorothy is a kind of girl that just isn’t realistic. I wish I could have that voice and ability to make friends. What if Gillian Jacobs starred as Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz?

Gillian Jacobs

I believe Gillian Jacobs would be the ideal absurd alternate actress to play Dorothy become she completely contradicts the naïve attitude Dorothy has. Jacobs is the kind of character that you love and hate only because you can relate to her in the best and worst moments. To be completely honest, I think it would just be flat out awesome to see her wake up in Oz totally confused. So without further delay, here’s a sneak peek at The Wizard of Oz starring Gillian Jacobs!

Dorothy Gale (Gillian Jacobs) is just a normal teenage girl who lives with her dog Toto on her aunt and uncle’s farm. But when a sudden tornado hits, she and her house ends up in the magical land of Oz. Dorothy looks out the window and says, “Holy s*%^ Toto where the hell are we?!” She grabs a chair kitchen knife and runs out the door and sees a sea of munchkins and a pink lady in a bubble. She screams once again and shout, “Who are you and where am I? Tell me or else!” Glinda the Good Witch of the North replies, “Welcome to Munchkinland in the Land of Oz Dorothy, we are so pleased and thankful for your presence! Your home even managed to kill the Wicked Witch of the East!”

Dorothy pauses and looks around in awe. She bursts out laughing and says, “You guys are too good no seriously what’s going on. Did I smoke too much pot or something?” One of the munchkin responds, “No Miss. Dorothy you’re our hero! You saved us all! We cannot thank you enough!” Dorothy says, “Holy crap you can talk wow. Um yea guys its me Dorothy I’m here to sort of save the day hooray!” Glinda then informs her that she must follow the yellow brick road to reach Emerald City and to receive further instructions on getting home form the great and powerful Wizard of Oz himself.

Once Dorothy has assembled her squad consisting of the Scarecrow, the Tin man, the Cowardly Lion, and of course Toto, they take Emerald City by storm. But they when the must face the Wicked Witch of the West Dorothy stops playing the sweet girl façade and lashes out how she really feels. While they are being chased by the Witches army Dorothy confronts her face to face like the strong woman she is. “Hey dude, not chill. Quite trying to take my damn slippers. I’m just trying to get out of this insane place so beat it punk,” says Dorothy. She runs up to the Witch with a bucket of water and pours it on her causing the Witch to melt. Dorothy says, “Oh yeah bye, who’s the bit- I mean Witch now? That’s what I thought.”

Dorothy follows Glinda’s steps of clicking her heels three times and repeating the phrase “There’s no place like home” and wakes up in bed in Kansas. She looks at her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry and says “Oh man do I have a story for you guys. So I was in this magical place and at first I was like uh oh, having a bad trip, but it wasn’t…” FADE OUT

Thanks for joining us yet again on another episode of What If? Where we take films create an absurd alternate cast. I hope Gillian Jacobs as Dorothy will make you feel like you can take on any Witch trying to steal your nice ruby slippers. And don’t forget, there’s no place like home!

Back to the Future starring Andy Samberg and Bill Nye

I’m incredibly excited for this edition of “What if?” we will be focusing on the 1985 science-fiction adventure comedy Back to the Future directed by Robert Zemeckis. This fun film has been a family favorite and never fails to amaze me, which adds a lot of pressure for this recasting. Since this is yet again the first film in a successful trilogy, I’ll sadly only be casting the major characters.

Back to the Future (1985) follows the time-travelling adventures of Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) who is just your average teenager in the Eighties. He’s an aspiring musician with a loving girlfriend, Jennifer (Claudia Wells) but has a rather depressing family life at home. His father George (Crispin Glover) is a pushover and his mother Lorraine (Lea Thompson) is a depressed alcoholic but Lorraine never fails to remind Marty that she met his father after she accidentally hit him with her car.

On October 26, 1985 Marty joins his scientist friend Dr. Emmett Brown a.k.a Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) in the Twin Pines Mall parking lot to help him out with a project. Doc shows Marty the time machine he built from an old DeLorean that runs on plutonium. To demonstrate his invention Doc puts the date he built the machine November 5, 1955 for an example. Unfortunately the group of Libyan terrorists that Doc Brown stole plutonium from visits them. They shoot Doc and Marty attempts to escape in the DeLorean but accidentally activates the time machine and ends up in 1955 without the fuel he needs to return to 1985.

While in the past, Marty ends up running into both of his parents as high schoolers and actually interferes with their initial first meeting. Marty has now changed the entire course of his and the entire town of Hill Valley’s history. Now Marty must do everything in his power to save his existence by bringing his parents together while trying to return to the present.

Like every other fan of the Back to the Future franchise, I usually would say that I couldn’t think of a better time-travelling duo than Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd. Although, times have changed, I’ve fallen down a deep whole of absurd casting choices and retract my earlier statement. There DEFINITELY is a great is not better duo that would kick butt as Marty and Doc Brown. What if Andy Samberg and Bill Nye starred in Back to the Future? All right take it easy everyone. I know this just might be my greatest alternate absurd casting yet but just wait because it does get better.

Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg is one of the funniest and most daring actors of this generation. If you’ve seen his performance in Hot Rod (2007) you can agree that this guy is wild and definitely Marty McFly material. Samberg carries that clueless and always surprised personality that really defines Marty McFly as a character.

Bill Nye

I know that Bill Nye is the science guy that isn’t too different from the actual character of Doc Brown but come on everyone loves Bill Nye! Plus you got to admit it’d be awesome to see him team up with Samberg and seriously try to save Marty McFly’s existence.

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to join me on this journey through time, just kidding. But please enjoy a snippet of my alternate casting of Back to the Future starring Andy Samberg and Bill Nye.

Marty McFly (Andy Samberg) is just an average teen with average hobbies like playing guitar, hanging out with his girlfriend, and hanging out with a very old and bizarre scientist that can steal plutonium from terrorists. On October 26, 1985 Marty meets up with his friend Doc Brown (Bill Nye) to test out a new experiment.

Doc shows Marty the time machine he invented using a 1985 Honda Accord and is powered by plutonium. He tests out the machine by sending his dog Einstein into the Accord and hopefully making him the first time traveller. After the demo Marty freaks out and says, “Jesus Christ Doc! Einstein is dunzo! What have you done bro? How did you make that Accord travel in time?” Doc responds, “Well Marty you can do just about anything with science because science rules.” Marty looks up puzzled and says, “That really doesn’t answer my question but okay!”

Fast-forward or rewind to the year 1966, the year Marty ends up at when he accidentally drives off in the Accord. Marty hops out of the car and begins to stroll around the town square and when he realizes what era he’s in he sings out loud “I JUST TRAVELLED IN TIME AND IT FELT SO GOOD!” Luckily for him, no one too important heard his noise. But once he walks into a diner he spots his father (in teenage form) and is unaware of what to do. Young George McFly sees Marty and says, “Hey, I saw you staring at me from over there. Do I know you?” Marty replies, “Not yet pops. Shoot. Sorry I meant to say George.” George responds, “How do you know my name?” Marty panics and spits out, “Um I read minds! Yeah that’s right I read ‘em buddy so watch out.” Throughout the rest of the film George is constantly jittery and nervous around Marty because he is truly convinced he’s a mind reader.

When Lorraine accidentally hits Marty with her car and calls him Calvin, because his boxers say Calvin Klein, Marty says, “Ooh girl why are you looking at my undies? That’s wild. I kind of dig it,” Lorraine goes in for a kiss and Marty continues, “Whoa wait no! Back off mom! I meant Lorraine, shoot! I read minds and um I sense that you and a guy named George McFly will get married and have some cool children and that’s it.” Just like that Marty is able to get Lorraine and George to meet despite interrupting the point in time they were supposed to initially meet.

That’s all we have for you guys today! Don’t forget to stop by again next time when we do another absurd alternate casting of a well-known film. Always remember, don’t steal plutonium from people no matter how badly you may need it because it honestly doesn’t help anyone out!

Titanic starring Ellie Kemper and John C. Reilly

This week we’ll be recasting the Academy Award Winning Titanic (1997) directed by James Cameron. The epic-disaster romance film may be one of the most well known and loved films of all time making today’s edition a bit tricky to recast.

Titanic starts in 1996 with a group of treasure hungry oceanic explorers searching for a rare diamond necklace that is said to be deep in the R.M.S Titanic wreck site. They discover a painting of a young woman wearing the necklace at the time the ship sank. That woman, Rose Dawson Calvert (Gloria Stuart), joins the crew and recounts her experiences on the Titanic and of April 14, 1912, the day the ship sank.

Then the story travels back to 1912, the year the Titanic sank. A 17-year old first class passenger Rose DeWitt Bukater (Kate Winslet) boards the R.M.S Titanic with her fiancé Cal Hockley (Billy Zane) and her mother Ruth (France Fisher). Meanwhile a poor American artist, Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), wins two tickets back to the United States aboard the luxurious Titanic in a lucky game of poker.

The first night aboard the Titanic, Rose contemplates suicide because she dreads marrying Cal. Her mother felt he was the most suitable bachelor because he can resolve their financial problems and maintain their high social status, which means nothing to Rose. Jack sees Rose at the stern of the ship and rushes to her side and convinces her not to jump. Cal watches the interaction and invites Jack to dinner as a token of gratitude for saving his fiancé. Following the dinner with the wealthiest first-class passengers, Jack invites Rose down to the third class quarters for a part, leaving the pair completely infatuated with one another. Knowing her mother and fiancé’s disapproval of Jack, she continues to spend time with him on the ship realizing she much prefers Jack to Cal.

One evening, Jack sketches a nude portrait of Rose wearing only the Heart of the Ocean necklace gave her for their engagement present. Little did they know that would be one of the last happy moments they’d share. Later that night, the R.M.S. Titanic is hit by an iceberg. Within 3 hours the ship snap sin half and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Unfortunately those were the last few hours Jack and Rose would ever spend together.

Titanic is one of my personal favorites even though the film itself was slightly longer than the actual Titanic sinking itself. I mean no one can call a film that won 11 Oscars a bad film, right? But as usual I had to put my own spin on the classic and replace Kate and Leo with two incredible actors that would have portrayed the love story in an...interesting fashion. What if Ellie Kemper and John C. Reilly starred as Rose and Jack in the Titanic?

Ellie Kemper

I believe Ellie Kemper would do the role justice because she can pull off Rose’s emotional rollercoaster throughout effortlessly. Plus she’s capable of channeling that young and naive mindset when it comes to men.

John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly is my ideal Jack Dawson because he's definitely the kind of guy that'd run to the stern of a ship and to save a suicidal woman. Plus he's just as charming and sly with the ladies as Leonardo DiCaprio! Without further ado, here are a few scenes from my version of the Titanic starring Ellie Kemper and John C. Reilly!

The first encounter Rose and Jack have is the very first night aboard the R.M.S Titanic. Rose DeWitt Bukater (Ellie Kemper) is pacing back and forth crying then suddenly laughing. A worried, young, and handsome artist named Jack Dawson (John C. Reilly) approaches Rose saying, “Um hey there little darling, you seem troubled. What's on your mind?” Rose responds, “Oh hello, I’m fine don't worry about me...wait you know what, no. I have a lot on my mind.” Jack stunned by her response says, “Well then what’s going on?” Rose says, “How much time you got?” Jack walks away realizing she’s a bit of a handful but feels bad and turn back to join her on the stern of the boat. “Hey I say we both just saw screw it and jump. Not like there’s anything to look forward to once we land in the States,” screams Jack as he climbs next to Rose.That’s when she knew Jack was a real keeper. The pair ends up chickening out from jumping off the boat together and just scream obscenities to the ocean.

In the original, Rose asking Jack to sketch a drawing of her nude with the Heart of the Ocean diamond around her neck is one of the steamiest scenes. In this version, Rose asks Jack to finger paint a picture of her nude posing with the diamond once again. But what Rose doesn’t know is that Jack has never seen a woman’s breasts before. The second she removes her dress Jack starts crying and running out of the room with his hands over his eyes. Rose tosses a robe on and consoles Jack and tells him he can just paint a picture of a huge iceberg that’s a few miles away from the boat.

Just as they run outside to scope out a spot for Jack to work, that same iceberg they were supposed to paint hits the ship. Over the next few hours they frantically rush to inform their friends and Rose’s family of what they just saw. By the time they find her mother she’s already on a relief boat heading out to be rescued. Realizing this might be her last shot at teenage angst to piss her mother off Rose waves her mother down and starts making out with Jack. He mother flips her off and says “Good luck daughter dearest.”

Similar to the original, Rose and Jack are stranded in the freezing water. Rose is balancing on a dresser door and holding onto Jack with every last bit of strength she has left. She tells him she’ll never let go but feels guilty that he’s quickly dying in her arms. Rose says, “Look over there Jack!” He responds shivering, “Rose I can’t move my body. Describe it to me.” Rose says, “Alright well its big, cold, and white.” Jack chuckles and says, “Is it the iceberg that hit the ship?” Indeed it was. Rose figured it would be a romantic gesture considering that was the last thing they were talking about before it hit. Jack dies of hypothermia immediately after.

So I hope that wasn’t too emotional for you all but I definitely felt this version is Oscar worthy as well. Thanks for joining us and remember to never let go! Even if the water you’re in is 28 degrees Fahrenheit.