Twilight starring Aubrey Plaza and Eric Andre

Welcome back to another edition of What If? A Series of Absurd Casting, a blog where I make the most absurd alternate casting choices for fairly popular films. Why settle for the original when you can ask “what if?” and add your spin on a film?

This week we’ll be recasting the romantic fantasy Twilight (2008). Since this was the first film in the saga, I felt it was the most important one to recast considering the mass obsession that followed the films debut.

Twilight follows seventeen-year old Isabella “Bella” Swan (Kristen Stewart) moving to the small town of Forks, Washington to live with her father Charlie (Billy Burke). On her first day at her new school Bella makes a few friends but is intrigued by the mysterious Cullen siblings. 


Coincidentally Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) is in the same biology class as her. She sits next to him but he seems to be disgusted with Bella for an unknown reason. It isn’t until a weeklong absence that Edward builds up the strength to speak to Bella. But the moment that shouts that there is something different about Edward is when he saves Bella’s life after nearly being smashed by a car. He ran to her faster than she’d ever seen any human run and he stopped the car from hitting her with his bare hands. That’s when Bella knew there was something different about Edward Cullen.

Bella researches the Cullen’s’ strange activities and suspects they might be vampires. Edward eventually admits they indeed are vampires but reassures her that they only drink animal blood. And just like that, the teens become inseparable. Although the news of their human/vampire relationship sparks the interest of three blood thirsty vampires eager to hunt Bella for sport. But Edward is determined to fight the three and protect the girl he loves.

The cult phenomenon managed to capture the hearts of millions of teenagers despite its low critic ratings. The film definitely fueled the crazed vampire obsession of the late 2000’s to early 2010’s. But I did not feel that Stewart and Pattinson’s romance was believable at all. What if Aubrey Plaza and Eric Andre were the stars of Twilight? They are two talented actors known for staying professional and sticking to the script, which is necessary for a film based on a popular novel.

Aubrey Plaza

Although, this revamped version of Twilight will truly scare the audiences the way the first one should have. This is a film about a teenage girl dating a really old but surprisingly young looking vampire who fights off other vampires to save her life. Now that is terrifying. I think Aubrey Plaza’s definitely the actress that can sell “terrified seventeen-year old slightly turned on by boyfriend fighting vampires even though their relationship is why her life is in danger”. Plus Plaza is the queen of awkward encounters and in all honesty, Bella Swan is an extremely awkward character with weird mannerisms like constantly pulling her hair behind her ears. 

Eric Andre

For the role of Edward Cullen I immediately thought of the suave and mysterious Eric Andre. He has a smolder that can make anyone melt. The pair would bring the most electric chemistry and have audiences genuinely fearing for their lives. 

Marc Maron 

Plus, we have also recast the role of Charlie with Marc Maron.

Here are a few scenes that give you a glimpse into what could have been the vampire romance Twilight starring Aubrey Plaza and Eric Andre.

The film would start with seventeen and a half-year old Bella (Aubrey Plaza) arriving to the small town of Sporks, Washington.  On the way home from the airport, Bella’s father Charlie (Marc Maron) tells her how excited he is to have her in back in Sporks. Bella fakes a smile but seems aloof which worries Charlie. On her first day of school, a few classmates invite her to sit with them at lunch and she stares at them blankly, slowly opening her eyes wider and wider until the kids run away. Bella prefers to share as little contact as possible with her classmates because she has always feared that they’d be too jealous of how rad she actually is and want to kill her. Yeah, she’s just a little paranoid, quirky, and awkward teen just trying to get by.

Bella walks into her first class and makes eye contact with Edward Cullen (Eric Andre). She sits next to him and says, “Um, hey, my name is Bella. I’m new here.” Edward responds, “Cool but I didn’t ask. Idiot.” Bella turns away and smirks. She’s surprised by his blunt comment yet intrigued by the annoyance in his voice. “Wow you’re so funny!” Bella says as she slightly grabs Edwards arm. He says back, “Stop it don’t touch my arm, you’re going to make me sick.” Bella squeezes his elbow and Edward profusely vomits all over the desk. “See I told you not to do that.” The two look at each other and laugh. 

Bella says, “I thought it was actually kind of cute but you still scare me so, I’m just going to turn around now. Like this conversation is over for now.” She did this because she was nervous and truly scared of his ability to vomit that much. That’s when she knew Edward Cullen was unlike any boy she’d ever met.

After their first encounter, Edward disappears for a week and suddenly turns back up at school. Bella asks where he’d gone but he refuses to say. He runs off into the forest behind the campus and she follows closely behind. Bella approaches Edward and says, “You’re impossibly fast and strong, yet have zero muscles and drag your feet when you walk. Your vomit travels over twenty feet away and you recover as if nothing happened even though you never eat or drink anything.  And sometimes you speak as if you’re 200 years old. How old are you?” Edward whispers, “520 bro. Nah I’m playing, I’m seventeen.” Bella continuously gasps for air, almost hyperventilating. She says, “I know what you are.” Edward tells her to say it out loud. Bella responds, “A vampire.” Edward grabs her on his back and races to the top of the mountain. He walks into the sunlight with his entire body shining like diamonds and says, “Congrats brotendo you guessed it.”

Now that’s all I have for you this week. I know it’s quite tragic that I could only give you a glimpse into my brilliant mind but your body is not ready for the feature length version. We’ll see you next time and remember, always ask, “what if?”